


Exposing Our Priorities

by terraces



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Dan's POV, Eventual Fluff, Getting Together, I am so sorry, Love Confessions, M/M, Pining, So much angst, This is terrible, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-13
Updated: 2016-07-28
Packaged: 2018-07-23 19:07:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7476261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/terraces/pseuds/terraces
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Phil came out to him, Dan wasn't that surprised. He was straight, sure, but Phil was his best friend. There was no reason for this to affect him. There was no reason for anything to change. </p><p>That is, until he overheard a very interesting conversation of Phil's, and Dan didn't know what to think anymore: not only about Phil, but about himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic, soooo... Sorry. Forgive my grammatical and stylistic sins and all that. I'm having a lot of fun writing this, and learning as I go along, so it definitely isn't perfect. I hope it's enjoyable to read. Kudos and comments make my insecure little brain very happy! Thank you.
> 
> Oh, and the title is from Sherlock, namely "A Scandal in Belgravia."

When Phil came out to him, Dan wasn’t that surprised. They had been up late watching anime together, and Phil had turned to him as the screen went black.  


“I have something to tell you.”  


“Okay,” Dan replied evenly, a little worried. Phil had looked tense all evening, not saying much or laughing at Dan’s jokes. “Go ahead. Although I must warn you, if you’re quitting Youtube to become a sewage worker, we might need to have a talk about your life choices. A serious talk.”  


Phil didn’t even smile. “I’m not quitting Youtube. But… IthinkImightbegay.” He said it in a rush, almost as if he was hoping Dan wouldn’t understand.  


“What?”  


“I think… I’m gay.”  


Dan was shocked for a second, and then made himself smile, not wanting Phil to take his slight surprise as disapproval. “Okay,” he said lightly.  


“Okay? That’s it?”  


“What else is there to say? I used to be a little homophobic, sure, but I’m over it,” he said with sincerity. “You’re gay. Okay.”  


“Thanks, Dan,” Phil said, pulling him into a tight hug. Dan patted his shoulder awkwardly. “I was a bit worried that, you know, you wouldn’t be... so nice about this.”  


“Nonsense. When have you ever known me to awkwardly say something thoughtless I don’t really mean?” he joked. Phil was startled into a weak chuckle. “But seriously, we’re cool. I kind of suspected it, anyway.”  


“You did not!” Phil protested, laughing.  


“Did so!” Dan argued. “But in all seriousness, what’s the plan?”  


What plan?”  


“Are you going to tell the subscribers?”  


Phil frowned. “Maybe someday, but not now. I’m still getting used to all of this, and so far I’ve only come out to a few people.”  


“Whatever you’re comfortable with is fine,” Dan reassured, “And that’s probably for the best. The shippers would go nuts, even though I’m not…”  


“Yeah,” Phil said, looking away. “You’re right, of course. It’s gotten completely insane.”  


“Not to mention ridiculous. Can you imagine?”  


“Yeah,” Phil repeated. “Totally ridiculous. Anyway, I’m going to bed. I’m exhausted.”  


“To bed?” Dan inquired, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.  


Phil blushed and hit his arm. “To sleep, filthy-minded one.”  


Dan laughed, relieved that everything was back to normal. “Good night, Phil. I’ll probably go to bed in a few hours, after scrolling through the Internet for a while and reading some nice phanfiction.” He wiggled his eyebrows again, but Phil didn’t laugh. Dan looked up, but Phil was gone. He distantly heard a door closing, and then everything was quiet.

Dan browsed the Internet for a while, but his heart wasn't in it. He was still vaguely unsettled by Phil’s coming out, even though he had no reason to be. This was Phil’s business, not his. He honestly couldn’t think of any way it would affect him, at least until Phil came out publicly. So why couldn’t he stop thinking about it? This didn’t change things between them: Phil was still his best friend, and that was the end of it. But it was many hours before Dan got to bed, and he tossed and turned late into the night.  


~ 

The next morning, Phil seemed freer than he had in weeks. He chatted amicably over breakfast, called his mother, and laughed so much in their DanAndPhilGAMES video that Dan jokingly told him to shut up so they could hear the dialogue. At several points during the day, Dan noticed himself grinning widely, simply because Phil was so happy. But it wasn't all happiness. Once or twice, Dan caught Phil staring at him with an odd, melancholy look on his face. Phil always looked away quickly, almost guiltily, as if he had been caught doing something wrong. Dan would have almost thought that he had imagined it if it hadn’t happened again. And again.  


Weeks passed, and their lives returned to normalcy, more or less. The weird looks grew less frequent, although they never really stopped. Dan wondered what was wrong. Had he inadvertently said something to offend Phil? He had thought that he was past the homophobia, but maybe some of it had leaked throught. Dan couldn’t stop worrying about it. And he might have continued wondering, if it weren’t for the rain.  


~ 

The infernal rain was splashing down outside the window again. One would think that Dan would be used to it after a lifetime of living in the UK, but he was somehow always unpleasantly surprised by the cold rain falling in droves, turning streets into a gauntlet of splashes. Dan was running late for his meetings anyway, and Phil wasn’t being much help, bustling around the flat preparing to shoot a video with Louise. Dan was distracted and annoyed, brushing his teeth and getting his coat and poking his head through a door to say goodbye to Phil (who only waved absently– inconsiderate) and going back for his keys three times and with one thing or another, Dan was turning the corner when he realized he had forgotten his Oyster Card.  


Mentally cursing the rain’s mother and ancestors in some rather creative ways, Dan slogged back up the street to the flat. He sneaked up the stairs, not wanting to disturb Phil and Louise’s video. He knew well how annoying it was to reshoot entire sections of videos because of some loud noise (like, for example, Phil managing to drop what sounded like every pot and pan in the kitchen while trying to make a bowl of cereal. Not that something like that would ever happen.) Dan walked in as quietly as he could, shutting the door silently behind him. He hurried down the hall and grabbed his Oyster Card, listening absently to the murmur of speech in the next room. As he passed Phil’s door, he suddenly heard a clear phrase.  


“...has no idea.” Dan paused, listening. He knew it was wrong to eavesdrop, but they were recording a video, so he’d see it soon enough. And besides, it’s not like they would be discussing anything particularly sensitive or important. He moved closer to the door, meeting forgotten. Phil spoke again: “I mean, he took it really well. I just don’t think… you know.”  


“I get it. Well, good for you,” Louise said. “That was really brave of you.”  


“Don’t patronize me!” Phil snapped, and then sounded instantly regretful. “Oh god, Louise, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean– I just–”  


“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Louise soothed, sounding exceptionally motherly. Dan frowned, feeling suddenly uneasy. If they were discussing Phil’s coming out, this definitely wasn’t for a video. Maybe he shouldn’t be listening to this conversation. But despite his better judgement, he stayed. What harm could it do, really? “So you don’t think he’s gay?” Louise continued.  


“No. I thought for a while that he might be, but he’s not.”  


“But he’s so accepting of the fanfiction, and makes those jokes!” Louise protested. Dan blinked. Surely they weren’t discussing him.  


“Well, he can make the jokes, because it doesn’t mean anything to him,” Phil said bitterly. “It’s always a punchline with him, never anything seriously considered.”  


“I’m sorry.”  


“It’s okay. I’ll get over him. It’s just so difficult, seeing him every second of every day and– I don’t know. Sorry to just– I don’t want to– ”  


Dan pulled back sharply, mind racing. Surely he had misunderstood. Phil couldn’t mean that he was in– that he had a crush on Dan! Distantly he heard Louise murmur some soothing reply, but he was too shocked to listen. The air in the flat, comfortable a moment ago, was suddenly stifling. He just needed some air– some quiet to think– just needed to leave– just needed to get out of the hallway and this untenable situation. Somehow he managed to leave as quietly as before. But he was standing without his umbrella outside the Underground station before he remembered his Oyster Card, left in the hallway in his mad rush to escape. He paid the fare.


	2. Chapter 2

Dan had no idea how he managed to get through the meetings. He smiled and listened, making a few (intelligent, he hoped) points, but his mind was a mess of :Ohmygod Phil is in love with me: and :What am I going to do?: He hadn't managed to answer either question by the time they were over, and five minutes later, he couldn't have said what the meetings were about. Dan was at the door to the flat when he realized that (1) He still had no idea what to say to Phil, (2) He had no idea what to think about the whole situation, and (3) He couldn't find his keys. He managed to solve the last problem (the keys were at the very bottom of his bag, of course– was there a magnet down there or something?) and stepped into the flat. 

Louise was gone; Phil was busy editing, and Dan didn't bother him. He made some cereal and chewed it absently, not noticing when Phil walked into the kitchen. 

“Oh, hi, Dan,” he said. Dan flinched and tried (rather unsuccessfully) to cover it with a cough. “I didn't realize you were home already. How were your meetings?” 

“Fine, I guess,” Dan said after a moment, cursing himself for his awkwardness. “How was your thing with Louise? What'd you do?” 

“It went well, I think. Louise is amazing as always, and we did some new challenge. I don't remember who made it– actually, it may have been Mark.” Phil paused, looking at Dan more closely. “Hey, are you alright? You look a little flushed. Running a fever?” 

“I don't feel so well,” Dan said, which wasn't quite a lie: it was nerves and guilt causing his headache, not some illness. “I think I’ll go lie down.” 

“Do you need anything?” Phil asked, concerned. “I can get you some medicine, if you’d like.” 

“No, no, it's fine.” Dan mumbled, pushing is chair back. “I just need some rest.” 

“Okay, hope you feel better,” Phil called after him. 

Dan stumbled into his room, not bothering to turn on the light. He all but collapsed into bed, and ended up staring at the ceiling and the cracks of grey light falling through the blinds. His head was pounding. He tried to clear it and think, as he hadn't had a chance to since the morning. But his thoughts sloshed about his head, melting away even as he tried to form them into coherent sentences. 

Dan didn't know why he was so upset. This was simple, or should be: he was straight, Phil wasn’t, so it could never work out between them. All he had to do was keep his mouth shut like a rational human being, and everything would be okay. He was straight. He was straight. He wasn't attracted to Phil, and that was that. If he just kept quiet, they would stay friends, and everything would be okay. Now that he had come to a decision, Dan felt more relaxed. Some time passed, and the sunlight faded. He could still hear Phil moving around the kitchen. He wondered what Phil was doing. 

And then his body, his traitorous body, stood up and walked into the hall. In the hallway mirror, Dan caught a glimpse of himself. He was a mess: hair mussed, eyes red, cheeks a shade of scarlet usually associated with flowers or fruit or blood. He thought vaguely that he really should go back to bed, do this morning, but his momentum carried him into the kitchen. He blinked in the bright light. Phil turned around, startled. 

“What are you doing up? You look really ill. I was just making you some soup; come on, let's get you back to bed, and I'll bring it to you.” 

“Don't play the mother hen, Phil,” Dan said, more sharply than he intended. “It doesn't suit you.” 

Phil drew back a little, shocked. “What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing, nothing,” Dan said, more softly. “We just need to talk.” 

“What do you– you know what, never mind. Whatever it is, we’ll talk about it in the morning.” 

“No, you don't understand,” Dan managed. 

“I'm sure I don't,” Phil said obligingly, putting a hand on Dan’s shoulder to steer him into the hallway. 

“What I mean to say is that I heard you. With Louise. Talking about me.” 

Phil froze. He went pale, and slowly withdrew his hand. Dan waited for him to say something, anything, but the silence stretched on. Dimly, Dan perceived that he should continue. 

“I forgot my Oyster Card and that’s all I came back for, I swear, but I heard your voice and I just listened because I thought you were filming and I’m so sorry but I didn't know and I can make this better if you’ll just give me a chance–” 

“Dan.” Phil interrupted his babbling. “Stop. What's done is done.” He sounded sad and tired and suddenly old. 

“You aren't angry? I would be.” 

“No, I'm not angry. This is your flat too.” 

“I don't want things to change– I don't want you to leave–” 

“I’m not leaving. Go to bed, Dan. We can talk about this later.” There was a silence. 

“How long?” Dan asked quietly. 

“What?” 

“How long have you, you know…” 

“Had feelings for you? Or known that I'm gay?” 

“The first, I guess.” 

“Going on three years now.” 

“Jesus, Phil. I'm so sorry.” 

“It's not your fault, Dan. If anything, it's mine.” 

There was a brief silence. “Why didn't you say something?” 

“Well, what was I supposed to say?” Phil asked, sounding angry for the first time. “Hey Dan, by the way, I'm both gay and in love with you, so there’s that. Don't forget to get some milk at the store!” He sighed. “For all I knew, you would have taken off then and there.” 

To Dan’s shame, he felt his eyes well with tears. “I don't know,” he choked out, wiping furiously at his eyes. “This is all so messed up. I messed us up. I should have just kept my mouth shut.” 

“It's not your fault, Dan.” 

“Stop saying that!” Dan exploded. “It was my fault, and you know it. This is all wrong. You're supposed to be furious. For God's sake, Phil, yell or cry or say something real!” 

“And what good would that do?” Phil asked bitterly. “Look around you. What good is this doing now? Go to bed, Dan. You're sick and I'm exhausted, and we'll talk about this in the morning.” 

~ 

They didn't talk about it in the morning. In fact, they didn't talk about anything at all. Phil was quiet and distant; Dan, too full of self-recrimination and -loathing to make conversation. He couldn't stop thinking that he was such an idiot, that if he had just not eavesdropped or brought it up, everything would be fine and their friendship wouldn’t be ruined. Dan knew, intellectually, that Phil's feelings wouldn't have ceased to exist just because he didn't know about them. But he couldn't stop blaming himself for messing everything up. 

Things continued like this for almost a week. Interactions between them were strained and careful. Dan felt as if every conversation with Phil was treading across a cracking glass bridge, and one misstep would send them both tumbling. He missed their easy, carefree conversation of before. 

Once, a few days after their confrontation, Dan tried to bring it up, only for Phil to shut him down almost before he began. They had a DanandPhilGAMES video scheduled that week, but ended up delaying it, for fear that the subscribers would notice that something was wrong. It was a singularly unproductive week for both of them. 

Dan, for his part, was ready to have his friend back. He had spoken constantly with Phil every day for more than five years, and to have Phil close him off like this was jarring. He knew that he had begun the confrontation, and that he shouldn't have eavesdropped, but Phil himself had said that it wasn't Dan's fault. So why was Phil being so reticent? 

~ 

But in fact, it was Phil who eventually broke the stalemate. One evening, he mentioned (with somewhat forced casualness) that he would be watching a movie tonight, and would Phil like to join him? They settled on Zootopia, and though they sat awkwardly for a while, eventually they relaxed. Phil was even startled into a laugh at some particularly inappropriate furry joke of Dan’s. Dan could almost pretend that the past few weeks had never happened. He pretended a little too well, as it turned out: as the movie played Dan stretched out more and more, until his feet were pressed against Phil’s leg. Such casual contact would have been perfectly normal before the revelations, but when Phil noticed, he flinched as if Dan had struck him. Dan hurriedly drew back his feet, and they sat in awkward silence until the movie ended. 

“Look, Phil,” Dan said eventually, “This needs to stop.” 

“I don't know what you mean,” said Phil. 

“Like hell, you don't. The tiptoeing around one another, the awkward silences. I'm sick and tired of pretending like everything's fine, because it's not. If I’ve done something wrong besides the obvious, just tell me, don't give me this silence.” 

“You haven’t done anything wrong,” Phil said quietly. 

“Then for God’s sake, why are you shutting me out like this?” 

“Maybe I don't want to lose you too!” Phil shouted, eyes suddenly full of tears. “Maybe I don't want to make things worse.” 

“Phil, look at me,” Dan said. Phil reluctantly glanced over. The soft blue light from the TV glinted off Phil's hair, and tear tracks ran down his cheeks. 

“Phil, do I look like I’m about to leave you?” 

“No,” Phil admitted. 

“That's because I'm not. You're my best friend, Phil. I'm not going to just take off because things get hard.” He blushed. “That came out wrong. I meant metaphorically. Not literally. Although I suppose… Sorry. I'll stop talking now.” 

Phil rolled his eyes, blushing as well, but stayed on topic. “I'm so sorry, Dan. I’ve been a terrible friend. Maybe it would be best for you to go.” 

“I think I am perfectly capable of deciding what’s best for me, thank you,” Dan said. “And right now, what’s best for me is to stay right here with my idiot of a best friend.” 

Phil managed a short laugh. “Thanks, Dan. It really doesn't matter to you?” 

“What, the gayness or the crush?” 

“Both.” 

“I keep telling you, I'm no homophobe. And of course you have a crush on me: I'm so devilishly handsome, how could you help it?” 

Phil snorted out a laugh. “Don't flatter yourself.” 

“Oh, were you planning to do it for me? Go on, then. But be warned: we may be here several hours, accurately detailing all of my amazing qualities.” 

“If your head were any larger, you'd float away like a balloon.” 

“It's to make room for all the brains, of course.” 

“I’m sure it is,” Phil said. “Goodnight, Dan. Thank you.” 

“Hey, what are friends for, besides ridiculous puns?” Phil was about to leave the room when Dan spoke again. “Hey Phil, one more thing.” 

“Yeah?” 

“You said, 'Lose you too.’ What happened? Who did you…” 

Phil froze, and his face went still. “I don't want to talk about it.” 

“Come on, Phil. Don't shut me out again.” 

“I'm not, I just… really can't talk about that right now.” 

“If you say so. Good night.” 

“Good night, Dan.” 

~ 

That night marked a turning point for them. Their awkwardness around one another lessened. They watched anime together again, and Dil and Tabitha nearly got themselves killed twice. Dan was glad to have his friend back. During their week of not talking, he had missed Phil terribly– his optimism, his silly jokes, his random encounters with crazy people, even his misunderstanding of what “the sound barrier” actually meant (which came up in conversation more than one would think.) And now Phil was speaking again, and Dan had his best friend back, and he hadn't messed everything up, forever– 

But eventually, even Dan had to admit that things just weren't the same. There was still the slightest hesitation when they interacted, just the smallest bit of holding back. It was as if they didn't quite know each other anymore. Which didn't make any sense, because they were the same people as a month ago. Weren't they? 

Weeks passed. Dan didn't notice any more weird looks from Phil. Phil didn't flinch at unexpected contact anymore, and didn't act oddly around Dan. Except for the awkwardness in conversations, everything was normal. From what Dan could tell, Phil was falling out of love with him, which was a good thing. Of course it was a good thing. Dan was straight and could never reciprocate Phil’s feelings, so it was good that Phil didn't have them for Dan anymore. It was good. And if all that was true (which it was, Dan told himself fiercely), then why did he feel so sad? 

And then, a few months after their late-night conversations, Dan came home from a collab to find a blond lawyer sitting nervously on their couch, holding hands with Phil. 

“Dan,” said Phil, looking excited and nervous at the same time, “I’d like you to meet my boyfriend, Aaron Shepard.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if there are any mistakes, I was in a hurry when I formatted it. Hope you enjoy this chapter!

Aaron, as Dan discovered over the next few days, was a very likable guy. He was a cookie-cutter kind of person: blond-haired, blue-eyed, handsome, charismatic. He played the cello in a regional orchestra and did charity work. In fact, he was the sort who could walk into any room and be instantly liked and admired. 

Dan hated him from the first moment he saw him. It didn't matter that Aaron had done nothing wrong, at least to him; it didn't even matter that they shared most of the same interests. As they made small talk, Dan found himself restraining anger over the most trivial of comments, with no idea why. 

“So,” he said, forcing himself to smile, “Has anyone given you the 'Hurt Phil and I’ll murder you in your sleep’ talk yet?” 

“Uh… no, not yet,” Aaron said, smiling. 

“Well, I think it's about time someone did. How long have you two been dating, anyway?” 

“A few weeks now,” Phil said. 

Dan swallowed a sudden lump in his throat, not sure why that particular piece of information made him so upset. “Definitely time, then. Well, here it is: hurt Phil, and I will murder you in your sleep.” 

Aaron laughed, squeezing Phil’s hand (why did Dan notice this? He didn't know.) “I'll do my very best not to.” 

They made some more trivial conversation. Phil had apparently talked about Dan a lot, and Dan tried not to think about what Phil had and hadn't told Aaron. After a while, he couldn't stand it anymore: the hand-holding, the love eyes, all of it. He stood up. 

“I must say, the lovey-doveyness in this room is a bit overpowering,” he said wryly. “I think it’s making me a bit nauseous.” They laughed; it wasn't a joke. “I think I'll go make some peppermint tea. Would you like any?” 

“No, thank you,” said Aaron. “ I don't know what it is, but I just can't stand mint. The smell, the taste, anything.” 

Dan looked at Phil, who shook his head. “Well, I’m going to make some for myself,” he said. “ But I'll keep it in the kitchen. I wouldn't want to bother you.” 

Leaving the room, Dan felt suddenly lighter. The air was no longer quite so warm and stifling. Dan was suddenly horrified at his own reaction to Aaron. He didn't even know the man, and already he was projecting all of those terrible things onto him. And for what reason? What had Aaron ever done to him? Dan honestly couldn't think of any reason to dislike him, much less hate him. He resolved to at least be civil with Aaron. After all, he wouldn't want their (one-sided) animosity to affect Phil. 

When Aaron left and Phil came into the kitchen, Dan offered him a cup of now-lukewarm peppermint tea. Phil accepted gratefully. 

“So, Aaron seems nice,” Dan said neutrally. 

“Oh yeah, he's a great guy,” Phil said. “Has a bit of a temper, but who doesn't? In the summer, he does mission work in Africa, not sure where.” 

“Oh, good for him,” Dan said, not sure why Phil had mentioned the mission work. Did he feel like he needed to prove to Dan that Aaron was a good person? If so, he had failed before he even started. 

“So, what’s your meet-cute?” Dan asked. He had a certain unexplainable curiosity about their relationship. 

“Meet-cute?” Phil asked. “Really?” 

“Shut up and spill.” 

“Which one?” Phil asked, grinning. 

“What?” 

“Should I shut up, or spill?” 

Dan rolled his eyes. “Come on, Phil.” 

“Not much to tell.” Phil said. “We met at the park. I asked to pet his dog, and we got to talking. Eventually, he asked for my number.” 

“Did cherry blossoms tremble in the wind behind you?” Dan inquired mockingly. “Did doves hover in a heart formation over your heads?” 

“Dan,” sighed Phil, “This is real life, not anime.” 

“I didn't get them confused again. You guys are just so repulsively sweet that I thought some cinematic scene must have taken place.” 

“Hey, you asked.” 

“So I did, and now I regret it,” Dan said lightly, not joking at all. “Why didn't you tell me sooner?” He had known that Phil was dating, and pretty regularly too, but Dan had never met anyone. And he certainly hadn’t heard anything about Aaron. 

“I don't know,” Phil said. “I guess I didn't know whether everything was going to work out.” 

“And now you do?” 

“Not for sure. I just have this feeling.” Dan snorted, and Phil grinned. “I know, I know, total cliché.” 

“Who would have thought that when Phil fell in– in love,” Dan said, the word tasting slightly sour, “that it would be such a fairy tale? Literally everyone, that’s who.” 

Phil laughed. “Who knows, your damsel-in-distress might be right around the corner.” 

“Nah,” Dan said. “I'll buy dinner, but slaying a dragon is definitely at least a second-date kind of thing. I mean, dragon-slaying before you even meet her? Kind of forward, don't you think?” Dan wasn't even sure what he was saying. He was just stalling, trying to give himself time to marshal his thoughts into some semblance of order. 

“What about some lesser monster?” Phil asked seriously. “Like, is a Chimera or a Gorgon acceptable?” 

“I think that qualifies as 'chivalrous deed’ and not 'act of heroism,’ so that should be fine.” 

“I'll make sure I plan a chivalrous deed into my and Aaron’s next date.” 

“You’ll have to make sure it fits into your schedule,” Dan said. “You don't want to rush these things.” They laughed. “But seriously, are you happy with Aaron?” 

“Completely,” Phil said. “I honestly couldn't be happier.” 

“Well, you can stay here and roll around in your little 'happily ever after,’ but I need to go get some work done,” Dan said. He was suddenly angry, although he couldn't have said why. 

“Okay, I should probably do the same,” Phil said, not noticing Dan’s tone. 

Dan went to his room and retrieved his laptop from a pile of blankets. He pulled up a blank document, but couldn't come up with a single sentence. The cursor blinked mockingly at him. He stared at it, eyes dry and throat burning, for a long time. 

~ 

In the morning, Dan was slightly ashamed of his behaviour. Aaron couldn't help it that his very existence grated on Dan's nerves. He resolved to at least try to be nicer to Aaron, for Phil’s sake. But when he walked out of the grocery store that afternoon, it was with mint air freshener, mint shampoo, double-strength mint toothpaste, and four boxes of peppermint tea. Dan didn't even like peppermint tea very much, but he felt compelled to buy every box in the store, and couldn't have said why. 

Over the next few weeks, Phil began to spend more time with Aaron, and less and less with Dan. Even when Phil was home, Dan didn't really get to see him, because there was always an infuriating blond presence on the couch, on his phone or laptop or trying to make conversation with Dan. The man was infuriatingly and unfailingly polite; Dan hid his anger and resentment behind walls of pleasantries, and escaped his company as soon as possible. 

~ 

One afternoon, when Aaron was out running some errand, Dan grumpily asked Phil whether Aaron even had a job. 

“Oh, he’s not working right now,” Phil replied blithely. “He's taking time off from the law firm to do some self-exploration and charity work.” 

“Self-exploration?” Dan mumbled. More like exploring his way right into… Actually, probably better to leave that train of thought alone. 

“Sorry, what was that?” 

“Nothing, nothing.” Dan turned to go, but Phil stopped him. 

“Listen Dan, I know this can't be easy for you.” 

“What? What do you mean?” Dan stammered. “Everything's fine.” 

“No, it's not,” Phil said. “Look, I know you don’t know Aaron very well, and here he is in the flat all day. We’ve been invading your space a lot recently, so I was thinking we’d spend some time away from the flat, give you some breathing room.” 

Dan noted absently the division Phil had made between the couple and Dan. “Us” used to include only Dan and Phil. Its meaning had changed remarkably quickly. 

“I mean, it's okay, I don't want to bother you,” Dan said. 

“Oh, it's fine, believe me. You aren't bothering us at all, I just don't want to disturb you.” 

Dan nodded quickly. “Thank you for understanding.” 

“Of course!” Phil grinned, then sobered. “Look, is everything okay?” 

“Why wouldn't it be?” Dan managed. 

“I don't know, you've just seemed a little off lately. Is there something wrong?” 

“Oh, no, no, it's just the space thing, I think,” Dan lied. “And I think I've got some kind of stomach bug, I don't know. I think I'll go lie down.” 

“You sure have been sick a lot lately. Are you sure it's not some other thing?” 

“Yeah, I'm sure.” 

“Okay. When Aaron gets back, we’re going out to dinner.” 

“Okay, have fun,” Dan said. He retreated to his room, not feeling hungry. When he went to bed, he tossed and turned for hours, eventually settling into a fitful sleep. Dan dreamed of picnics and kisses and blue eyes and sunlight glinting off black hair, as he had for quite a while. But when he woke in the cold grey light of dawn, he couldn't have said whether he had dreamed about anything at all. 

~ 

True to Phil’s word, the couple began spending less time in the flat, until eventually they were barely there at all. Dan had long periods of time to contemplate his miserable existence. When he discovered one morning that he had been spending more time in an existential crisis than not, he decided to finally confront what was making him so unhappy. 

It was the relationship between Aaron and Phil that was bothering him, but why? Did he simply miss his roommate and best friend? No, that wasn't it, although he certainly did. Was it just that he didn't like Aaron, and wanted someone better for Phil? He did, but that also wasn't the answer. Was it latent homophobia from his childhood, returning to unconsciously bias him against them? No, that was a psychologist’s answer, and not the case either. There was only one other possibility: that he was– no, of course he wasn't jealous. That was insane. He was straight, and Phil was his best friend. He wasn't gay. Of course he wasn't. He just needed to clear his head. 

Dan took a walk, not really paying attention to where he was going. In the cold air, his earlier thoughts seemed ridiculous: him? Gay? Of course he wasn't. If he was anything, he was bisexual, which would be perfectly okay, except he wasn’t, so why was he thinking about it at all? He was straight. By the time he retraced his steps to the door of the flat, the cold air had driven the troublesome thoughts out of his mind. He was cold, windblown, and at peace for the first time in several weeks. 

That peace lasted for exactly one minute and fourteen seconds, which was the time it took for Dan to walk up the stairs to the flat, drop his coat onto the floor (he'd pick it up later), and open the door to the lounge to see Aaron and Phil kissing on the couch. 

Kissing was not exactly the right word, Dan decided. He would be more inclined to call it making out, and rather enthusiastically, too– in the few seconds he stood there, they hadn't noticed him at all. Of course, he thought viciously, it was kind of hard to notice anything at all when your tongue was that far down someone's throat. Phil had a fistful of blond hair, and Aaron’s arm was around him, and Dan was going to be rather violently sick if he had to watch them any longer. 

He ran down the hall, not caring about the noise, and threw himself into the bed. The tears came then, in great shuddering sobs. Of course he was bi. Of course he was bi, and in love with Phil, and of course he had realized this far too late to do anything about it. He had already lost Phil, lost him to the oh-so-perfect Aaron, and he couldn't stop the flood of realizations any more than the tears.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story Phil relates late in the chapter is completely made up, of course. Warning: mentioned homophobia. 
> 
> The next chapter probably won't be up for a few days, until Thursday or Friday. Sorry. How dare real life get in the way of writing fanfiction!
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter!

You know, Dan thought, it would be awfully poetic if he were to simply die of heartbreak. Phil would send Aaron away and recount his undying love for Dan over his peaceful corpse, but it would be too late. And then, just like in all the fanfiction, Phil would bid a final farewell as Dan phased out of existence... 

Dan chuckled weakly. His throat felt raw, his eyes sore, and his head hurt something awful, but he felt more peaceful than he had in weeks. Sure, Phil was still dating the demigod-like Aaron, but at least Dan had finally admitted (to himself, at least) what was wrong. That was the first step to– to what, exactly? Winning Phil back from Aaron? Aaron was handsome, kind, polite, charitable, and generally a great person; at the moment, Dan felt like none of those things. But he did know Phil better than just about anyone, and Phil used to be in love with him (until Dan broke his heart in about fifteen different ways, his brain unhelpfully reminded him.) 

Okay, so he didn't have much of a chance (or any chance at all, really) of getting Phil back. Well, if he waited for a while, maybe the couple would break up on their own. No one could be as perfect as Aaron all the time– maybe he had some (metaphorical, or perhaps even literal) skeletons in his closet. And if he did, they would reveal themselves eventually. 

Dan decided to come up with a plan to win Phil back. After all, it was all he could think of that would give him some control over the mess that his life had become. The plan went as follows: 

Step 1: Don't let Aaron or Phil know anything's wrong. 

Step 2: Wait for Aaron to do something asshole-ish. 

Step 3: ??? 

Step 4: Phil falls into my arms. 

Okay, so the plan wasn't foolproof. And it relied entirely on Aaron being a secretly bad person. But that was the only sliver of hope Dan had to cling to, because if Aaron was exactly as he appeared, then he was a much better person than Dan. And Phil deserved the best, of course, and so maybe he would be better off with the perfect Aaron than with some anxious, jealous, pathetic nerd who Phil probably regretted befriending. But Dan wasn't ready for that level of hopelessness quite yet. Everything would be fine, if only he followed the plan. 

~ 

The plan failed almost immediately. For step 1, all Dan had to do was keep from showing that he was envious, and how difficult could that be, really? He stood up and ran a hand through his hair. It was late afternoon, and the sun was out, casting slits of bright light through the blinds. Dan walked down the hallway and glanced at himself in the mirror, wincing slightly at his extreme hobbit-hair. His eyes were a bit red, but not so much that he couldn't make some excuse. 

Phil and Aaron were curled up on the couch together, watching a movie, some action flick with guns and explosions and lots of swooning, scantily clad women. Not Dan's favorite, or anything he or Phil would normally watch, but he might as well join them. Just being in the same room as Aaron wouldn't kill him. 

He cleared his throat, and the two looked up. Phil moved away from Aaron just a bit, although they were still holding hands. “Mind if I join you?” 

“No, not at all,” Phil said. “But I didn't know you liked action movies.” 

“I don't normally,” Dan said, “But I could stand to branch out a bit.” 

“Hey, are you feeling better?” asked Aaron. “Phil said you were a bit ill earlier.” 

Did Phil have to tell his precious little boyfriend everything? Dan thought, unreasonably annoyed. He opened his mouth to tell Aaron exactly where he could stick his polite inquiry, then thought better of it. Dan was being nice to him. That was the plan. And why was he so angry, anyway? It was a perfectly innocuous question. 

“Oh yeah, much better. I think it’s just a headache, not drinking enough water, you know.” 

“Really?” Phil asked. “You said earlier that it was a stomach bug.” 

Crap. “Yeah, my stomach hurt earlier, but now I have a headache,” Dan not-quite-lied. 

“Look, I know I said this earlier, but I really feel like you should go see a doctor,” said Phil. “It seems like you’ve been sick a lot lately.” 

“Oh no, no, no, I'm fine,” Dan stammered. “Really fine. Couldn't be better. Perfect health.” 

“If you say so,” said Phil, turning back to the movie. 

After a minute, Dan stood up, suddenly uncomfortable. “I'm going to go make some tea. Peppermint, anyone?” 

“No, thank you,” said Phil. “And Aaron doesn't like mint.” 

“Oh yeah, sorry Aaron, I completely forgot,” Dan said insincerely. 

Turning away, he saw Aaron give Phil a look, asking “what is up with your weird flatmate?” Dan sighed inwardly. Step 1 was a real success, if “success” was code for “miserable failure.” 

~ 

The morning went no better. Dan walked into the kitchen to see Phil pouring his cereal, messy-haired with glasses and a loose t-shirt, and damn if he wasn't the most beautiful thing Dan had ever seen. Phil turned around, blinking at him sleepily, and Dan had the overwhelming urge to grab him and hug him tight, to hold him until neither of them knew where one ended and the other began. Phil was saying something. Dan blinked. 

“What?” 

“Would you like some cereal?” 

“Well, not your kind of– wait, are you eating my cereal? Again?” 

Phil got this adorable guilty look on his face, and looked everywhere but at Dan. Dan sighed melodramatically, but all he really wanted to do was kiss that look off his face. He needed to get his emotions under control. Or Phil needed to get his rampant cuteness under control. One of the two. 

Phil was saying something again. “...have to put it off again.” 

“What?” 

“How late did you stay up last night?” Phil asked, laughing. “ I was saying that I'm going out for an early birthday lunch with Aaron, since he'll be gone for a week. So we’ll have to put off the DanandPhilGAMES video again.” 

“Oh, that's fine,” Dan said. “We can just do it tomorrow.” He paused, considering. “You said Aaron's going to be out of town for your birthday?” 

“Yeah, unfortunately.” 

“Have any plans?” 

“Just lunch with some friends,” Phil said. 

“No big party this year?” 

“I don’t want a big production, just something quiet.” 

“Well, how about this,” Dan said, making it up as he went along. “I'll make dinner, you can open your present, and then we can watch something– your choice.” 

“Even if it's The Princess Bride?” Phil asked. 

“Phiiil,” Dan whined. “Again? Really? Isn't there anything else you want to watch?” It was a running joke between them, that Dan hated the movie, but they both knew he secretly loved it. 

“You said it was my choice. And it's my birthday.” 

“Not yet it isn’t.” 

“But it will be.” 

“Fine,” said Dan. “The Princess Bride it is.” 

“And you can't whine about it.” 

“I have never whined about anything in my life!” Dan protested. 

“Mm-hmm. Of course you haven't.” 

~ 

The days leading up to Phil's birthday were almost normal. Aaron was gone (finally), and Dan could pretend that everything was the same as before. That is, until Phil smiled, or laughed, or said something particularly stupid or silly or particularly Phil. And then all of Dan's platonic intentions went to hell in a handbasket, and it was so hard to keep from doing something dumb. Like kissing him. Or running his fingers through that soft hair (Dan didn't actually know whether it was soft. It looked soft.) 

But anyway, the days were almost normal, and most of Phil’s birthday was perfect. The subscribers sent their love, Dan managed not to burn the lasagna, and Phil loved Dan’s gift, which he had bought several months earlier. 

As the movie began, it took an effort of will to keep from reaching for Phil's hand. He was keenly aware of Phil, of the space he was taking up in the world next to Dan, in a way he hadn't consciously been aware before. Westley and Buttercup had just reunited and were making their way into the Fire Swamp when Phil got up to go to the restroom. Dan obligingly paused the movie. When Phil came back, he didn't restart it. 

“Hey, what's wrong?” Phil asked. 

“I kind of have a question.” 

“Go ahead.” 

“When did you realize you were gay?” 

“Any particular reason you're asking this now?” asked Phil, smiling. “Got something to tell me?” 

“God, no,” Dan said. “No, no, not at all. I was just curious.” 

“The lady doth protest too much, methinks,” Phil deadpanned. 

“Oh, get out of here with your theatre references,” Dan said, exasperated. “I'm supposed to be the Shakespeare nerd, remember?” 

Phil laughed. “About your question, do you want the short or long answer?” 

“Long, if you don't mind.” 

“Not at all,” Phil said. “Although it’s kind of depressing, so be warned.” 

“That’s fine, I can handle it.” 

Phil sighed, and started talking. “I was about fifteen, and kind of lonely, you know. Not that many friends, and certainly nobody I was close to. I was not having the easiest time of it in school, and I was in kind of a dark place. And then along came Isaac. 

“He was a firecracker. Just full of life, overflowing with it. He gave smiles away like they were nothing. He hadn't had the easiest time of it– his mother left when he was young, and his father remarried and moved them to Lancashire, of all places. But he was so positive, so happy, and I learned a lot about dealing with hard times from him. 

“I fell for him immediately, of course. Had no idea I was gay, but I was head-over-heels from the moment I met him. Who could blame me– most of the girls and more than a few of the boys were half in love with him, too. But I was his best friend, for reasons I can't imagine, and we were so close. Sometimes it felt like we were the same person, except I could never be even half of the person he was. 

“And then, like an idiot, I told him how I felt.” Phil drew in a shaky breath. “And turns out, accepting, loving, brilliant Isaac wasn't so accepting after all.” Dan made a wordless noise of sympathy. “Turns out, he had been raised by perhaps the most homophobic person in perhaps all of Britain, and had eaten that stuff up like candy. Turns out, not only did he not return my feelings, I was suddenly an 'abomination’ and a 'crime against God.’ I thought that our friendship was strong enough to last through anything, but it wasn't. Not even close. So I left, and he moved away a few months later. Never saw him again.” 

Dan was speechless. After a minute, he managed, “God, Phil. I'm so sorry, I had no idea.” 

“It's fine. It's been over ten years now, hasn't it?” Phil managed a shaky laugh. “Feels like I should be over it by now.” 

“I'm sorry, Phil. If I’d known, I would have handled things differently, I'd have–” 

“It's okay, Dan, really. You didn't know, and now you do, and everything's okay.” 

“Yeah, because I'm not a homophobic dick like Isaac.” 

“Not how I would have phrased it, but yes,” Phil said. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“For what?” 

“I don't know,” Dan said. “For being of the same species as assholes like him.” 

“It's really okay, Dan. I'm fine. And now it's okay, because I have a best friend like you and a boyfriend like Aaron.” 

“Yeah, you do,” Dan said. Right. Aaron was a person who existed. “So anyway, do you want to finish the movie?” 

The Princess Bride was wonderful as always. At the end, when the kiss was being narrated, Dan glanced over at Phil. He was watching intently, eyes reflecting the blue light of the screen, and Dan thought again that he'd never seen anyone look more beautiful. And then the movie ended, and they went to their separate beds, and Dan lay awake in the dark thinking, yes, Phil. You're so lucky, because now you have Aaron. Whatever would you do, if you didn't have Aaron?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so... this was supposed to be a lighter, fluffier, less angst-ridden chapter, and then I got kind of carried away. Hope you enjoy it, regardless.
> 
> Warnings: mild panic/anxiety thing, mentions of alcohol (oh no, what will the children think?)

The next few weeks passed uneventfully. Aaron returned from his trip (pronouncing it “wonderfully invigorating”– pretentious much?) and Dan avoided him as much as possible. This proved rather difficult, as he couldn't seem to go anywhere in the flat without running into Aaron and Phil holding hands, talking with Aaron's head on Phil's shoulder, or doing something just as disgustingly sweet. 

After the third straight (actually, not that straight) day of this, Dan resolved that if, by some miracle, he ever managed to convince Phil to date him, they wouldn't be so repulsively cute and picturesque. And the couple was very picturesque: Aaron's slightly smaller frame curled up against Phil’s larger one, white-blond hair contrasting brilliantly with the black. Sometimes Dan almost wanted to take a photo, and then tear it into little tiny virtual shreds. 

He and Phil wouldn't make nearly as pretty a picture, Dan thought, with his mud-brown hair and equally boring eyes. But he pushed the thought away. Millions of subscribers thought they would make an adorable couple, after all (He couldn't believe he was using Phan shippers to justify anything. To what further depths could he sink?) 

Phil had apparently forgotten about his “less vomit-inducing couple-ness in the flat” promise, and so Dan was almost relieved when Phil poked his head into Dan’s room and announced that he and Aaron were going out. 

“Okay, fine,” Dan said, distracted, then blinked. “Wait. Phil. Where, exactly, are you going?” 

Phil turned around. “Why do you ask?” 

“Oh, nothing. Just, you know, literally everything you're wearing.” 

Phil glanced down at his clothes. He had a long-sleeved, button-up blue shirt on, patterned with little black hearts, and black skinny jeans.“What’s wrong with it?” 

Dan snickered. “You wouldn't happen to be going to the club with Aaron tonight, would you?” 

“In fact, I am,” Phil said, and I don't see why– oh. Oh, I– I understand.” 

“Oh my god, you didn't do it on purpose?” Dan asked, laughing now. “That makes it worse. So, so much worse.” 

“Just because I wore this shirt– okay, this outfit– for my “Phil in the club” video doesn't mean I never get to wear it again!” Phil protested, starting to smile as well. 

“But wearing it to the club?” Dan asked, practically gasping for breath. “Phil, that outfit was a joke. A joke, I might mention, that you made specifically to show how unsuited you are to–” He found himself unable to continue. They were both laughing now. 

“So,” Phil managed, “You think I should change.” 

“Oh Phil, don't ever change,” Dan choked out. “Stay true to yourself, always! Forever!” 

This set them off again, and it was a while before Phil sobered enough to ask, “Seriously, should I change?” 

“Don't bother,” Dan said, distracted by Phil's smile and laugh and general adorableness. “It looks cute on you.” 

Phil stared at him, shocked. For a moment, Dan wondered what he had said wrong. And then it hit him, and he was hard-pressed to restrain his panic. Had he really– shit, he had said that out loud– what was Phil– how would they– oh God, what could Phil possibly be thinking? The silence stretched on. Phil was still staring at him. 

Dan forced a laugh that rang hollow, even to him. “Just kidding. You should change, you look terrible.” 

Phil chuckled, still looking oddly at him. “So noted, but I think I'll stick with this. I'm already running late.” 

It would be fine with Dan if he didn't change. He hadn't lied: Phil looked cute as hell, and kind of nerdy, and it made Dan want to kiss him. Everything made Dan want to kiss him. He needed an intervention. A Phil-tervention. No, that didn't work, he needed to stop thinking; even his thoughts were getting embarrassing. 

Phil was still looking at him, and Dan realized he still hadn't responded. “Yeah, okay, have fun.” 

“I will. We're meeting some of Aaron's friends there, and it should be pretty cool.” 

“That is, if anything can be cool with you present.” 

“Shut up, Dan,” Phil said, laughing. “I'm so cool, even you can't tell. I’m like absolute-zero, deep-space levels of cool.” 

“I think that might just be the most uncool thing you've ever said to me, and that's after a long, renowned history of uncool things.” 

“Whatever,” Phil said. “I'll be back late, so don't wait up.” 

“I won't, but I'll probably still be awake. The Internet beckons.” 

Phil hurried from the room. Dan heard the front door slam, and sighed. So much for being casual. But Phil had been distracted, and maybe he'd just accept it as another symptom of Dan's ceaseless awkwardness. 

~ 

It was, in fact, late when Phil returned, the kind of late that borders on early. Dan was considering going to bed. Despite what he had told Phil, Dan had decided to stay awake to meet him, just in case he needed anything when he got back. But Dan was just making up his mind to let Phil fend for himself when he heard him stumble into the hallway. Phil pushed the door open and stood in the doorway. 

“Well, we had our first proper fight,” he said, voice dull. Dan didn't look up. “Was it over whether to save five or six kittens from a burning building? Because I would've gone for six, myself. Nice even number.” 

“Dan,” Phil said, with no more emotion than before, “Does it look like we fought about kittens?” 

Dan turned. Phil was a mess: eyes red, cheeks flushed, shoulders slumped. “Phil,” he said, shocked. “What happened?” 

And Phil burst into tears. 

~ 

Dan stared at him for a moment. Phil was the calm one when it came to stuff like this; Dan was the one more likely to come home distraught after a quarrel with some girl, and Phil always comforted him, or made him laugh. Seeing Phil so upset made Dan uncomfortable. And angry. If Aaron had caused this, he was going to pay. 

Dan pushed his laptop to the side and walked over to Phil. Gingerly he gathered Phil into his arms (which might not have been a totally normal, platonic thing to do, but he didn't think Phil would mind.) Phil sobbed into his shoulder, and Dan rocked them back and forth, just a little, murmuring, “Shh, shh, it's okay, I didn't mean it. Arguments can be tough, I understand, it's okay.” Phil was cold, so cold, and he smelled of rain and cheap alcohol and that stupid strawberry-raspberry shampoo he loved so much. 

After a long moment, Phil pulled away, wiping miserably at his eyes. He didn't resist when Dan led him over to the couch and draped a Pokémon blanket over his shoulders. 

“I’m going to go make you some hot tea, and you are going to sit there and get warm,” he said. 

“Playing the mother hen?” Phil asked, and Dan snorted. 

“One, shut up. Two, also shut up. And three, I'm glad you’re alright.” 

“Did I scare you? I'm sorry.” 

“Yes, you scared me, but it's fine.” 

“I didn't mean to. I'm just so tired, and still a bit drunk, and Aaron–” Phil broke off with a sharp intake of breath. 

“You didn't break up with him, did you?” Dan asked, trying not to sound too hopeful. 

“No!” Phil snapped. “Of course he didn’t– I didn’t– of course we’re still together.” 

“Okay,” Dan said, doing his best to sound appropriately happy. “That's good, then.” 

“No, we just got in a stupid fight, and I'm so tired and cold. Really cold.” 

“Phil, you didn't walk home from the club alone, did you? In the middle of the night, in February?” Phil nodded. “You could have gotten hypothermia, or frostbite, or snow blindness or something!” 

“Dan, we live in the south of England,” Phil slurred. “There's not even snow on the ground. Anywhere. For hundreds of miles.” 

“Well, you need to get warmed up, whether there's snow on the ground or not,” Dan said eventually. “The tea can wait, let's get you to bed.” 

“Okay, I'm on board with that idea,” Phil said, leaning on Dan’s shoulder. 

“Jesus, Phil, how much did you have to drink?” 

“Not much. Lot less than Aaron.” They wobbled into the hallway. 

“Oh yeah, I forgot what a fucking lightweight you are,” Dan said, and Phil giggled. 

“Hey, who are you calling a lightweight?” Phil asked, mock-offended. “I'm not a lightweight, you are. Lightweight.” 

They made their way down the hall, more of Phil’s weight on Dan than on his own feet, but Dan didn't mind. He deposited Phil at the bathroom door, and pushed him gently inside. 

“Take out your contacts, or you'll be miserable in the morning,” he said. 

“Okay, Mum,” Phil laughed. 

Dan hovered in the hallway while Phil got ready for bed, making sure he didn't get himself killed by slipping on the slick tiles or something. When he was done, Dan shepherded him towards his room. Phil paused in the doorway. 

“I don't see why you're treating me like a toddler,” he said. “Just because I’ve had a few–” He turned to go into his room, and promptly ran into the door. 

Dan tried (and failed) to smother a laugh. “You were saying?” 

“I would have done that sober,” Phil muttered. 

“You actually would have, and that's just kind of sad. Go to bed.” He turned away, but was stopped by Phil’s plaintive voice. 

“Dan?” 

He turned. “What?” 

“Could you stay with me for a minute?” 

“Why?” 

“I'm cold. And I want to talk to somebody.” 

Dan sighed. “Fine. But only for a minute. I'm tired too, after waiting all night for you to drag your sorry self home.” He followed Phil into his room and sat at the foot of his bed. Phil turned off the light, and Dan felt the bed settle under his weight. 

“Thank you,” Phil said. “For keeping me company, I mean.” 

“It's really no problem.” There was a silence. 

“It's just nice. To be with someone who doesn't think I'm a failure.” 

Dan drew in a breath. “Of course I don’t, Phil. Who could possibly think that?” 

“I do.” There was a pause, and Phil said quietly, “And Aaron.” 

“Aaron doesn't think that,” Dan said. “He– he loves you.” 

There was quiet, and then Phil said, almost inaudibly, “Yes, he does think that.” 

“What?” 

“He told me so himself, okay?” Phil snapped. “He thinks I'm a failure, and a screwup, and a waste of space, and it's all true!” 

In the sudden silence, Dan could hear him start to cry again, in broken, hiccuping sobs. Dan sat there in the dark, helpless, and plotted the varied and creative ways he was going to kill Aaron with his bare hands. 

“Why would he say something like that?” Dan asked finally. 

“Because it's true?” 

“Come on, Phil.” 

“Well, I was late, so he was annoyed, and then we were both drunk and I'm sure his friends were nice but I don't really remember.” Phil's voice rose. “And I accidentally spilled a drink on him, I didn't mean to, and then he accused me of checking out this other guy but I wasn’t, I swear, but he wouldn't leave it alone and I am so sorry, I'm so sorry, but I got mad 'cause it wasn't true and–” 

“Phil,” Dan interrupted, “Breathe.” Phil took several deep, shaky breaths. “Now, let's go over the list of things that would make you a ‘failure,’ okay?” 

“Okay,” Phil said, sounding vulnerable and scared and Dan was going to rip Aaron to pieces and throw him in front of an oncoming train. 

“So,” he said, keeping his tone light, “From what I've heard, your misdeeds consist of two things: being late and being clumsy, right?” 

“And getting angry.” 

“When you were accused of something you didn't do,” Dan said. “Now, I know for a fact that I have done all three of those things in my lifetime. Would you call me a failure?” 

“No,” Phil said, voice small. 

“So why are you calling yourself one?” Dan asked. “Phil, you are one of the most brilliant, creative, funny, optimistic, good people I have ever had the privilege of meeting. Not a failure or a screwup. Definitely not a waste of space. Hell, if you want proof, just look at the fans: over three million people who love you!” And so do I, he added silently. 

“You really think so?” Phil asked. 

“Of course I do, genius,” Dan said. “But I’d better stop talking, or your ego might grow to large to be contained by your fragile mortal vessel.” 

Phil chuckled. “Thanks, Dan.” 

There was a silence. “Phil?” Dan asked. 

“Yeah?” 

“Has Aaron ever… said anything like that before?” 

“No, never.” 

“You're sure you want to stay with him?” Dan pressed. “Sure it won't happen again?” He didn't know whether he was speaking in his own best interest or Phil's anymore. It was just so late, and he was so tired. 

“Yes. No. I don't know. Can I just think about it in the morning?” 

“As long as you actually think about it, and don't just fall right back into Aaron's arms.” 

“I won't,” Phil promised. There was silence, except for his quiet breathing, and Dan was about to get up when he spoke again. 

“He was really drunk.” 

“So?” 

“So– I don't know. He didn't mean it?” 

Dan sighed. “Phil, being drunk doesn't justify being cruel.” 

“But he didn't mean it.” 

“How am I supposed to know if he meant it or not?” Dan snapped. He was tired, and angry at Aaron and at this whole situation, and he just wanted to go to bed. 

“But if he meant it– if my own boyfriend thinks I'm a failure–” 

Dan sighed. “We already disproved the failure thing, remember?” 

“But–” 

“Phil, I'm exhausted, you're drunk and exhausted, it's time for bed.” He stood up. “We can discuss this in the morning.” 

“Don't leave.” 

“Phil–” 

“Please.” 

“Well, where am I supposed to sleep? The floor?” 

“Here.” 

“Phil, that's not a good idea.” 

“Why not?” 

“I just…” What was he supposed to say? Can't share a bed with you, sorry, too in love with you? 

“Dan, I don't want to be alone. Not tonight.” 

Dan caved. He knew it was a terrible idea, and he'd regret it in the morning, but he was so tired, and the bed was so soft. “Fine. But stay on your side. And if you steal the covers, I’m shoving you out of bed.” 

“Thanks, Dan,” Phil said sleepily, and rolled over to one side. And for the first time in far too long, Dan fell asleep listening to Phil's quiet breathing.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was a little rushed when editing this, so forgive my mistakes. This one's a little shorter.
> 
> The next chapter is going to be a big one, though, so it'll take a little (okay, a lot) more time to write and edit. Sorry, but I think (or hope) that it'll be worth it.
> 
> Enjoy!

Dan woke in the early morning. It was still dark outside, and he was warm, curled up against someone even warmer. An arm was draped over his waist, and he could feel the gentle rise and fall of a chest behind him. He moved closer, and the arm– Phil's arm, he noticed– tightened around him. That was good, that it was Phil; he wouldn't want it to be anyone else. Phil laid a sleepy kiss on the back of his head, and Dan sighed contentedly. Distantly he thought that this was wrong, that Phil was still dating Aaron and it wasn't right to be cuddling with him, but Dan was so sleepy and Phil was so soft and warm that he couldn't bring himself to care. His morning (okay, later-morning) self could sort it out. 

Dan cuddled closer. He was normally all long limbs and bones and awkwardness, and Phil wasn't much better, but somehow they fit together perfectly. Phil kissed him again, this time on the back of his neck, and Dan shivered. Normally he would have hated that, but he was here and it was Phil and so it was okay. He clasped Phil's hand. And as he drifted back off to sleep, Dan realized that, for the first time in quite a while, he was completely happy. 

~ 

When Dan woke again, Phil was gone, and he could hear him moving around the kitchen. Rolling over, he squinted at the alarm clock, which read 11:23. Sleepily he stood up, running his hand through his hair, a mass of curls. Dan decided he didn't care. After all, who would see him besides Phil, who already– oh. Phil. 

Dan sat down again, rather abruptly. Phil, who had presumably woken up with Dan in his arms after cuddling with him all night. Phil, who didn't know Dan was in love with him. Phil, who was still dating Aaron. This whole situation was a disaster, and Dan didn't know how to fix it. Or even if it could be fixed. How had he managed to make such a mess of things? 

But maybe it wasn't a mess. It was just cuddling, right? Which, okay, wasn't a completely platonic thing to do, but Dan had heard that girls cuddled with one another all the time. :Yes, teenage girls,: his brain helpfully reminded him. :Not guys in their twenties, who have a rather large fanbase obsessed with the idea of them being together.: Well, maybe it wouldn't be too awkward, at least. :He kissed your neck.: 

Okay, so it was going to be awkward and horrible. But if it was going to be like that, than it would be awkward and horrible now, and not after an hour of worrying. Dan stood up and walked into the kitchen, then instantly regretted it. But Phil was already turning to see him, and it was too late. 

“Good morning,” Phil said, sounding entirely too chipper. Was the man immune to hangovers? 

“Morning,” Dan said, moving around him to get some cereal. He bumped into Phil, who moved to get out of his way and ran into the counter. After some more awkward maneuvering, Dan finally poured his cereal. 

They broke the silence simultaneously. 

“I really think–” “Look, Dan–” 

Dan blushed. “You first.” 

“I just wanted to say thank you,” said Phil. “For taking care of me last night, I mean. I don't remember a lot, but I was pretty broken up about– about everything. So thanks.” 

“You're welcome,” Dan said. “Goodness knows you've done the same for me when I’ve come home crying over some girl.” He'd never really thought about how hard that must have been for Phil when he still had feelings for Dan. Suddenly, he had a whole new appreciation for Phil's self-control. 

“And I haven't really thought about the whole Aaron thing yet, but I will,” Phil said. 

“Okay, good,” Dan said, chewing on the dry cereal. He could get the milk, but that honestly seemed like too much effort at this point. And the cereal wasn't half bad. 

“So, um… What are your plans for today?” 

“Don't really have any,” Dan said, puzzled. Were they not going to talk about the cuddling? Didn't Phil have anything to say? 

“I was just thinking that maybe we could go and, I don't know, see a movie or something,” Phil said. 

See a movie? What was he getting at? “You mean, as in go outside?” Dan asked. “I don't know, Phil, seems pretty adventurous for me.” 

Phil chuckled. “Seriously, Dan. It feels like I haven't seen you in forever.” 

“Well, you have been kind of busy with Aaron,” Dan tried to keep the resentment out of his voice, and only partly succeeded. 

“Come on, Dan.” 

“I really would love to,” Dan said, “But I just remembered I have a live show scheduled for this afternoon.” :And I can't really handle being close to you for a while, with the whole unrequited love thing and all,: he added silently. God, Phil had been a saint, for three years of this. And Dan had horrible timing. 

“Oh, that's too bad,” Phil said, sounding genuinely disappointed. “Maybe some other time, then.” 

“Yeah, some other time,” Dan agreed. There was dead silence, broken only by the loud crunching of the cereal. Why had he chosen dry cereal? This could not be any more awkward. 

“So, about this morning,” said Phil. Oh wait, of course it could. But Dan was saved from responding by a sharp knock on the door. “I'll get that,” he said quickly, and left the room. 

It was Aaron. Of course it was Aaron. He stood in the doorway, arms seemingly full of roses. He had a guilty expression that disappeared as soon as he saw Dan, replaced by a coldly polite one. 

“Hey, Dan,” he said. “Fancy meeting you here.” 

“I do live here, you know.” 

“Yes, of course you do, it was just a joke,” Aaron said. “Is Phil in?” 

“I'll go check,” Dan said. “But even if he is, I'm not sure if he’ll want to see you.” 

“Of course he will, we just had a little misunderstanding,” Aaron said, and Dan seethed. Just a little misunderstanding, if that's what you call tearing someone's self-esteem and confidence into little tiny pieces. He was turned away to go ask Phil whether Aaron could come in (maybe he was like a vampire, and couldn’t enter a dwelling unless invited. Which would be awesome.) 

But Phil, ever polite, had come to see who was at the door. “Oh, hello, Aaron,” he said, sounding less than enthusiastic. 

“Hey, sweetheart,” Aaron said, and Dan cringed internally. 

“Can we talk?” Phil asked, steering Aaron down the hall, towards the lounge. Dan took this as his cue to leave. His heart was racing. Maybe Phil was finally taking an opportunity to break up with Aaron! And then Aaron would leave in tears, and promptly be hit by a bus, and Dan and Phil would ride into the sunset on a unicorn made of flowers. He snickered at his own thoughts. Any more hope, and he'd be vomiting rainbows. 

But the hope didn't last very long. When Dan glanced in on the couple, just to see if they needed anything (of course), they were making out. With great enthusiasm. Well, there was that “little misunderstanding” all cleared up. And so much for Phil's promise to think before falling right back into Aaron's arms. 

~ 

They never did discuss that morning. Dan sure as hell wasn't going to bring it up, and Phil seemed too distracted by Aaron to even think about it. Dan was glad: talking about it would likely result in his feelings for Phil being exposed. And he wasn't at all sure whether Phil (or anyone, for that matter) would ever choose him over Aaron. 

The last thing Dan wanted was to mess up their friendship any more than it was already, so he kept his mouth shut and watched Aaron and Phil grow closer and closer. They never did go see that movie. 

So Dan did the only thing he could think of. He went to see Louise. 

~ 

“You look terrible,” Louise said as greeting. 

“Gee, thanks,” Dan said. “I know.” 

“Is everything okay?” she asked. “I'm guessing this isn't just a social call.” 

“Look, can I sit down?” 

“Go ahead, sit anywhere,” Louise said. “Unless you want to spend half an hour standing awkwardly in the doorway.” 

“Shut up,” Dan muttered, and Louise laughed. 

“Love you too,” she said. “So, what did you want to talk about?” 

Dan hesitated, suddenly unsure. Was this really such a good idea? He plowed ahead, regardless. “I think I might be bi.” 

“Okay,” Louise said. “Does Phil know?” 

“That’s kind of the problem,” he said, and found himself telling her the whole story. He hadn't meant to spill everything, but it just felt so good to finally tell someone. Louise, bless her heart, waited patiently until he was done. 

“Well, you two have certainly managed to make a mess of things,” she said. “This sounds like the plot of a terrible fanfiction.” 

“I know, I know,” Dan groaned. “I wish it were. Unfortunately, I've made a disaster of my real life instead.” 

Louise thought for a moment. “You know, I never did like Aaron. Always seemed kind of stuck-up to me.” 

“I didn't know you knew him,” Dan said, temporarily distracted. 

“Oh yeah, I met him at some function he was attending with Phil. I think you were busy with work or something. And he didn't impress me one bit.” 

“I never liked him, either,” Dan said, “But I was never sure whether that was my jealousy talking.” 

“No, he's definitely no good,” Louise said. “At least for Phil. Preying on his insecurities like that– that's a bully's move, not a loving boyfriend's.” 

“But it's Phil's choice, of course. He's an adult, and fully capable of making his own decisions.” 

“Well, yes,” Louise said, with a glint in her eye that Dan didn't like one bit, “But that doesn't mean he wouldn't prefer, say, some other option. If he knew it was available, that is.” 

“I don't see what you– No. No, no, no. There is absolutely no way I'm telling Phil. Especially when he's still with Aaron!” 

“Well, why not?” Louise asked. 

“Why not? Do you need all the reasons this is a terrible idea spelled out for you? I could make a list, if you like, but it would stretch from here to New York.” 

“Well, what choice do you have?” she pressed. “The way I see it, you have two options: sit there and sulk and wait for them to maybe break up on their own, or go and tell Phil how you really feel.” 

“But–” Dan sputtered. 

“But nothing. I mean, what's the worst that can happen?” 

“Um, Phil rejects me and runs away with Aaron to found an animal shelter for little starving puppies and I never see him again?” 

“Look, Dan,” Louise said. “For those three years when Phil was pining after you, I was the one he came crying to about it. And let me tell you, it got pretty annoying, all 'chocolate-brown eyes’ this and 'he’ll never love me’ that. But he never gave up on you or on the somewhat unlikely (I thought) hope that someday you'd feel the same.” She patted him on the shoulder. “All I'm saying is, you may have a better chance than you think.” 

“You really think so?” Dan asked. 

“Yeah, I do,” she said, smile just a bit sad. “Although goodness knows, I'm probably not the one you should come to for relationship advice.” 

“No, you're great,” Dan reassured. “Although I'm not so sure about this plan of yours.” 

“It'll be fine, o ye of little faith,” Louise laughed, cheerful again. “And when you guys are all lovey-dovey, calling each other pet names, you'll know who to thank.” 

“Sure, Louise.” 

“I deserve a medal for this, I really do. 'For forbearance in the face of extreme obtuseness’ sounds good, don't you think?” 

“I am not obtuse!” Dan protested. “And just so you know, I don't sulk, either.” 

“Uh-huh,” Louise said. “Of course.” 

“I don't!” 

~ 

After some pleasantries (Darcy was doing very well, thank you), Dan left Louise's place and took the Underground home. As he sat in the carriage, staring out the window, he was suddenly doubtful. What if it didn't work? What if Phil hated him? What if he was about to destroy what was left of their friendship? 

But as he stepped out of the station, and into the cold spring air, he decided to go through with it anyway. At least he wouldn't have to pretend anymore. At least, one way or another, this whole drama would be over soon.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I know I said that it would be a few days, but I had some free time today, so here's the chapter. I hope that you enjoy it!
> 
> And I know that I haven't responded to any comments for a while, but I've been really focused on trying to make sense of this story. I'll get to it soon though, I promise, and I am reading them.

When Dan got home from Louise’s, the flat was empty. Phil had left a note on the counter saying he was out with Aaron, visiting some friends, and Dan sighed. He had hoped that (by some miracle) Phil would be home alone so he could get it over with, but he could wait. And try not to lose his nerve. 

It couldn't have been an hour before Phil got home, but it felt like a century. To distract himself, Dan opened Netflix, and was halfway through an episode before he realized he hadn’t heard a single line of dialogue. Also, he was watching an episode in the middle of the fourth season of a show he didn't watch. 

He was just closing the tab, wondering what the hell he was doing with his life, when the front door opened. It was Phil, and Aaron was (mercifully) nowhere to be seen. 

“Hey, Phil.” 

“Oh, hi, Dan,” Phil said. “Didn't know you'd be back yet. How is Louise?” 

“Amazing as ever,” Dan said. “Or is that your thing?” 

“No, she can be amazing as well, as I don't have a copyright on the word,” Phil laughed. 

“Oh, well that's good, then,” Dan said, cursing internally. This was the most relaxed, normal conversation they'd had in days, and he was about to mess everything up yet again. 

Phil paused. “Look, is everything okay? You've seemed a bit off lately. And don't give me any of that 'not feeling well’ excuse, because I can tell that's not it.” 

Well, Dan wasn't going to get a better opening than that. “That’s actually kind of what I wanted to talk to you about,” he said. “Come on in, sit down.” 

Phil settled onto the couch. “What's up?” 

“I wanted to talk to you about– about Aaron.” Okay, what was that? Dan had no idea why his mouth had produced that particular combination of sounds, but decided to go with it. Maybe he could work his way around to coming out to Phil. 

“What about him?” Phil asked. “Did you have a disagreement? Because I know he can come across as a little brusque if he doesn't agree with someone, but I swear he means well.” 

“No, no, we didn't get in a fight,” Dan said. “Nothing like that. It's just that I'm a bit worried about you. And him.” Dan officially had no idea what he was saying anymore, but he couldn't stop talking. “I'm just a bit concerned, you know?” 

“What do you mean?” Phil asked, frowning. “We're perfectly fine. I'm really not sure what you're talking about.” 

“It's just– it's just that you promised to think before you just fell back into his arms. And to me, at least, it doesn't seem like you've really done that.” 

“But I did think about it,” Phil said. “He was drunk, and swears he didn't mean it, and I believe him. End of story.” 

“And just because he says he didn't mean it, everything’s fine again?” Dan asked. “Phil, I was there when you came home in tears because he had ripped your self-esteem to shreds. In a fight over a spilled drink.” 

“Ripped my self-esteem to shreds?” Phil mocked. “Dan, I think you're being a little melodramatic. We were drunk, we had a fight. It wasn't a big deal. And I don't see how it’s any of your business.” 

“Aaron calling you, let me remember the exact words,” Dan said, “Oh yeah, 'a failure, a screwup, and a waste of space,’ that's not a big deal? Because let me tell you, that sure as hell sounds like a big deal to me.” 

“He called me a what?” Phil asked. 

“You don't remember?” Dan asked, incredulous. “How can you not remember that?” 

“I– I don't–” Phil stammered. 

“Is it a big deal now?” Dan asked, all of the frustration and anger at Aaron and this whole mess building past the breaking point. Dimly he remembered that this was not how this conversation was supposed to go, that he was ruining everything, but he didn't know how to stop. “Is it enough now to finally realize that perfect little Aaron isn't so perfect after all? Or are you just going to make another excuse for him and his 'bit of a temper?’” 

“What is it to you?” Phil asked, tears in his eyes. “We’re happy. Why do you need to mess this up for me too? Why can't you ever just leave it alone?” 

“You know what, fine,” Dan snarled. “Screw you and screw Aaron too. And don't come crying to me the next time he gets drunk and angry and turns into even more of a bully. I'm done cleaning up his messes.” 

“Well, that's just fine, because nobody asked you to,” Phil yelled. “Nobody asked you to come in and screw up the one decent relationship I've ever managed to have. And I'm not going to let you.” 

“Decent relationship?” Dan scoffed. “Phil, Aaron's not–” 

“Shut up,” Phil said with venom. “Don't you say another word about my boyfriend.” 

“Like hell I won’t say–” 

“Why won't you just leave us alone?” Phil cried. “Why can't you accept my happiness, and not just try to ruin it?” 

“I'm not–” 

“You know what, I think you're jealous,” Phil said, and Dan paled. “You're jealous of our relationship, and our happiness. Well, go build your own. Get out of mine.” 

Dan was speechless. Where was this hate coming from? “Phil–” he managed. 

“What?” Phil asked. “Give me one good reason you're doing this, one good reason I shouldn't walk out that door right now.” 

Dan tried to tell him. He tried so hard, but his throat was dry and his eyes burning with unshed tears and he just couldn't get the words out. “I–” he said, and then couldn't go on. 

“That's what I thought,” Phil said, and stood up and left. The front door slammed behind him, and Dan felt the first tear slip out of his eye. No, he wasn't going to cry, dammit. He wasn't going to cry over his idiot of a best friend. But despite himself, he felt another tear come, and then another, until he could barely breathe for the sobs that wracked his body. 

~ 

Phil didn't return for most of the day, and Dan was left alone, to contemplate the myriad ways in which he had screwed up. Great strategy to get Phil to fall in love with him, to push him away until he snapped. Dan still didn't know where all of that anger had come from. Phil was usually slow to anger and quick to forgive, and Dan was the hot-tempered one who could hold a grudge like nobody's business. But maybe that was just how Phil had always felt about his awkward failure of a roommate, and Dan had just given him the freedom to express it. 

Phil would probably want to move out now, and Dan wouldn't blame him, although he wasn't sure what they'd tell the subscribers. Speculation would probably run wild, but Dan couldn't bring himself to care. People would think what they thought, but any crazy theory they could come up with would have a hard time comparing to the scale of this fiasco. 

If Dan had just had the wits to keep his mouth shut in the first place, or even to stick with Louise's plan, everything might have turned out alright. But he hadn’t, because he was such a goddamn idiot, and wouldn't it be so much better for everyone if he had just never existed? 

But when Phil came back, all of Dan's problems were forgotten. Because in the late-afternoon sunlight, it was hard to miss the bruise on the side of his face. 

~ 

“Well, you were right,” Phil said, not looking at him. 

“Phil…” Dan had no idea what to say. 

“Aaron and I are over. Do you want a gold star for being right all along?” 

“Phil, look at me. Do I look happy about this?” 

Phil glanced up. Blue eyes held brown for a moment, and then looked away. “No,” he muttered. 

“Did Aaron– was he the one who–” Dan gestured at his face, and Phil nodded. 

“I confronted him about that fight, and he got angry,” Phil said emotionlessly. “Really angry.” 

“Was he drunk?” 

“Sober.” 

“I'm sorry,” Dan said helplessly. 

“I just wanted to come and apologise for– for lashing out at you. I was scared of the truth, scared of losing Aaron, and now I've lost you both.” Phil drew in a shaky breath. “And I understand if you want me to go.” 

“Phil–” Dan said. “I don't want you to go.” 

“Why not?” Phil asked, eyes shining with tears. “You told me the truth, and I was too self-centered and obsessed to listen, and now I've managed to lose just about everyone I care about. So maybe it would be better if I left.” 

“Don't say that,” Dan said. “If anything, that should be me. Everything that's happened has been my fault, because of my stupid mistakes. If anyone should be asking for forgiveness, it's me.” 

Phil looked back up at him. “You don’t– you don't hate me?” 

Dan sighed. “Of course I don't, Phil. Who could ever hate you?” 

“Seems like I've done a pretty good job of convincing you to, recently.” 

“Well, not good enough.” 

Phil laughed, a short, broken chuckle. And then he asked, “Why?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Why did you put up with all of my lashing out, and drawing away, and all the mistakes I've made in the past couple of months? Any sane person would have given up on me a long time ago.” 

“Isn't it obvious by now?” Dan asked. He felt as if he was teetering on the edge of a cliff. “I– I'm in love with you, and your stupid jokes, and your smile.” His cheeks were burning, and he was falling, and didn't know how to stop. “I'm in love with your puns, and that expression you have when you’re looking at something you love, and your generosity and kindness and caring for everyone you meet. I'm in love with you,” he finished, all in one breath. There was dead silence. Dan braced himself, and glanced up at Phil. 

Phil was looking at him with an expression Dan never thought he would see again, and Dan was crying a little but it didn't matter, and then Phil kissed him. 

And it was messy and awkward and the best thing that Dan had ever felt. His hand was in Phil's hair (which was in fact soft, he discovered) and Phil's arms were around him and this was right, this was the way things were supposed to be. When they broke apart, Phil had tears in his eyes as well, and was grinning, and Dan chuckled weakly. 

“You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that.” 

“How long you've wanted to do that?” Phil asked, incredulous. “You idiot, come here–” 

The second kiss was even better. 

~ 

Later, when they were curled up together on the couch, Phil finally spoke. 

“So, you're gay?” 

“Bi, actually,” Dan said. 

“And you've known this for how long?” 

“Since right after you started dating Aaron. It coincided with the realization that you were really hot.” 

“Great timing, Dan.” 

“I know, I know, this would have been a lot easier if I'd figured it out sooner.” Dan felt Phil laugh, and smiled as well. “But hey, at least we have a story to tell.” 

“To be honest, I think I'd rather have the same old boy-meets-boy storyline,” Phil quipped. 

Dan laughed. “Yeah, so would I.” He leaned his head against Phil's. “Is your cheek any better?” 

“Well, it isn't now that you've reminded me about it,” Phil grumbled. 

“We probably should have gotten some ice on it,” Dan said. “But we were a little distracted.” 

Phil laughed. “You could say that. But seriously, it's fine. Just a flesh wound.” 

“That's good,” Dan said, squeezing Phil's hand. “Are you okay, though? With Aaron and everything?” 

“Yeah, he was a jerk anyway,” Phil said, trying to sound light, and failing miserably. 

“I know he was, but it's still okay to be sad about it.” 

“I know, but I'll get over it." Phil smiled suddenly. "That is, if I have some distraction.” He winked ostentatiously, and Dan was startled into a laugh. 

They sat in companionable silence for a while. 

“You know, I was just thinking about Isaac,” Phil said. 

“Thinking about an old flame while making out with your hot new boyfriend?” Dan joked. “Scandalous, Phil.” 

“I was thinking about how I wish he could see me now, and how happy I am with you,” Phil said. “I wish I could say he’d be happy for me.” 

“Well, maybe he would be,” Dan said. “People change, you know.” 

“Yeah, I know.” 

There was a pause, and then Dan asked, “Phil?” 

“Yes, love?” 

“Okay, rule number one, no pet names.” 

“But it's cute!” Phil protested, laughing. 

“And therefore not appropriate for my extremely masculine demeanor,” Dan said, straight-faced. Phil elbowed him, and he laughed. 

“Whatever,” Phil said. “What did you want to ask?” 

“I called myself your boyfriend, but… is that okay? Are we–” 

“I mean, if it's okay with you, I'd like that,” Phil said, looking oddly nervous. It was adorable, and Dan resisted the urge to kiss him. And then realized that he didn't need to anymore. 

“I'm guessing that's a yes,” Phil said a moment later, and Dan laughed. 

“Of course it is, you spork.”


	8. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this is so late and short, but here it is. And my life is now complete because I got to use the phrase "Dan demurred," and that makes me very happy. It sounds like an awful superhero name, doesn't it: Dan Demurred, crimefighter extraordinaire! Sorry, I'm being ridiculous. Ignore me and enjoy the epilogue!

In the end, Dan was surprised by how few things changed. He had always thought that getting together with Phil would be this huge, Earth-shattering event, and that nothing would ever be the same. But being with Phil felt a lot like before, like being with his best friend. 

Except now they could cuddle during a movie. And when he wanted to kiss Phil for doing something nerdy or ridiculous or unexpectedly adorable, he could. And now Phil could sneak up behind Dan for a “surprise hug” (dork. Although seriously, Dan had nearly decapitated Phil with a cheese grater the first time he did that.) 

They still hadn’t told the subscribers. Dan half expected them to figure it out on their own, with the number of times he caught himself grinning stupidly at Phil in their last video; but nobody did. Apparently it wasn't so different from how he had looked at Phil all along, and Dan didn't know how to feel about that. 

~ 

It was a just few weeks later, at a meet-and-greet, when the universe surprised them yet again. The event was just winding down, the crowd thinning, and Phil was still blushing furiously from some rather adult fanart that a particularly enthusiastic fan had shown them. Nothing that couldn’t have been a Drawing Phil Naked, but Dan had laughed pretty hard. And Phil had blushed so much that he resembled a tomato. 

They were both still chuckling when Phil looked over Dan's shoulder and stopped. Stopped laughing, stopped moving, and Dan wondered absently whether he was even still breathing. This had better not be Aaron, because he didn't think the sponsors of the event would appreciate it if he punched someone. Even if it was someone who deserved it. 

Bracing himself, Dan turned to see, not Aaron (thank goodness), but a very lovely woman. She looked to be about his age, maybe a bit older, with dark skin and curly shoulder-length hair, and Dan had absolutely no idea who she could be. He moved a little closer to Phil, keeping himself from reaching for his hand. 

“Hello, Phil,” she said. She had a soft, clipped accent, and almost seemed to be having trouble getting out the words. “You might not remember me, but I'm Isabelle. And we were friends, a long time ago.” 

Dan glanced back at Phil, who was still frozen. He put a hand on Phil’s shoulder to steady him, and Phil drew in a long breath. And after a moment, he asked, “Isaac?” 

“Not anymore,” Isabelle said. Her eyes welled up with tears. “But God, it's so good to see you.” 

And then they were hugging, and people were staring and taking pictures, and Dan was happy for Phil. And also a little jealous, which was completely irrational, because Phil was his boyfriend. And gay as hell. 

They broke apart, and Phil turned to him. “Isabelle, this is my– my best friend, Dan. And Dan, this is an old friend of mine, Isabelle.” 

~ 

When the event was finally over, they invited Isabelle out for coffee, and she accepted gratefully. 

“You have no idea how long I stood in that line,” she laughed. “So many fans. You guys are practically celebrities!” 

“Well, I wouldn't go that far,” Dan demurred. He liked Isabelle immediately: she seemed like someone he could easily be friends with. 

It wasn't until they were finally seated in a booth that they expressed anything but pleasantries. 

“Phil,” Isabelle said seriously, “I've wanted to get in touch with you for a few years now, to apologise for how horrid I was back then. You know all the excuses. I was young and idiotic, and also repressing a lot of fear about my identity, but it really doesn't excuse how awful I was. So, I’m sorry.” 

“It's okay,” Phil said. “Really, it is.” 

“Are you sure?” Isabelle asked. “I mean, I said some pretty horrible things.” 

“It's fine,” Phil said. 

“Well, thank you. I certainly don't deserve it, but you were always the forgiving type. It's like you could forgive anything.” 

“Well, not anything,” Phil said awkwardly, and clearly forced a laugh. There was a silence, and Dan desperately searched for something to interject. 

“So,” Dan said. They both turned to him as if they'd forgotten he was there, and he was a little insulted. “Why contact Phil now? Not that it's really any of my business, but I'm just curious.” 

“Oh, that's no secret,” she said. “I had been trying to contact Phil for a while now, but couldn't find an old number or anything, and stupidly never Googled his name.” She laughed. “I had no idea he'd been so successful on YouTube, until Chelsea mentioned someone called AmazingPhil. So I found a meet-and-greet and showed up, and here I am.” 

“Chelsea?” Phil asked. 

“My girlfriend. She's wonderful, and she's been really supportive through everything.” 

“How did you meet?” Dan asked, curious despite himself. 

“Oh, we met at university,” she said. “Love at first sight and all that cliché nonsense. But it's been great.” 

“If you don't mind me asking,” Phil said, “How has your father been about all of this?” 

“Oh, terrible,” Isabelle said. “Just awful. He was thrilled when Chelsea and I started dating, because at least I wasn't queer. But when I came out as trans, he freaked out. Would have kicked me out of the house if I hadn't already left, but he settled for disowning me. Haven't spoken to him since, but Chelsea and I have muddled through.” 

“I'm so sorry,” Phil said. “But you're lucky to have her.” 

“Don't I know it,” Isabelle said wryly. “But what about you? What have you been up to since the last time I saw you?” 

“What, in the last ten years?” Phil laughed. “Quite a lot. Went to uni, started a YouTube channel, met Dan, moved to London, et cetera.” 

“And Dan's your…” she trailed off. Dan's first impulse was to deny it, to shout “friend” or “roommate,” but he stopped himself. Was there really any reason to conceal the relationship from Isabelle? Phil seemed to think she could be trusted. Phil caught his eye, and Dan nodded quickly. 

“Boyfriend,” Phil said, with some pride. 

“Oh, good for you, then,” she said. “I haven't watched that many of your videos, so I wasn't sure.” 

“It’s not exactly… public yet,” Dan said quickly, “so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't mention it to any fans.” 

“I understand,” Isabelle said, “Although I've gotten the impression that some of them already think that you're dating. Or married.” 

“Well–” Dan said, hesitating. Did he really want to explain the insanity of shipping? 

“It's okay, you don't need to tell me how crazy fangirls can be,” Isabelle said. “I’m one myself, after all. And can I just say: Johnlock? Totally going to be canon if we ever get series four.” 

“I know, right?” Dan said. “I mean, how can it not? I have some friends who don't ship it, and I just don't understand how they can even still be alive. And Sherlolly is completely impossible. I mean–” Phil cleared his throat, and Dan laughed. “Sorry, I could talk about it for days, but I think Phil's kind of tired of the subject.” 

“Oh, so is Chelsea, totally,” Isabelle said. “We should get together and watch an episode sometime.” 

“Oh yeah, that’d be fun,” Dan said. There was a pause. 

“So how did you two get together, anyway?” Isabelle asked. 

Dan glanced at Phil, who looked just a bit nervous. “It's kind of a long story…” he said slowly. 

“I have a minute,” she said, leaning back in her chair. 

They didn't tell Isabelle everything. For one thing, the extent of Dan’s jealousy wasn't something anyone needed to know, especially Phil (although Phil had already told him that his weirdness around Aaron had been obvious all along, so maybe it was a bit late for that.) And they didn't tell her about Aaron's physical violence, because Phil was still dealing with it. And Dan was still dealing with the overwhelming desire to push Aaron in front of a bus. 

“Well, you certainly managed to muddle things up, between the two of you,” Isabelle said when they finished. “It’s a wonder you ever managed to sort things out.” 

“You sound a lot like a friend of mine, Louise,” Phil said. “I think you two would get along wonderfully.” 

“Yeah, I'd love to meet her,” she said. “And Dan, I have a bit of a question, if it's not too personal.” Dan looked over from where he'd been staring into space. 

“Yeah?” 

“How has your family reacted to you and Phil?” 

Dan smiled. “Well, my mother insists that she knew all along, which is blatantly untrue. But she's been really great, and so has my dad. Although he was a little more surprised, which I appreciated, because people will not stop telling me that it was inevitable. I mean, was I that obvious?” 

“Yes,” said Phil, laughing when Dan glared at him. “Hey, don't shoot the messenger, but I hear that both of us were.” 

“Oh, shut up, you,” Dan said, pretending to be annoyed. But he couldn't contain his smile when he glanced over at Phil, and Phil returned it. 

“I have something to say,” Isabelle said. 

“Okay,” Phil said. 

“I'm not sure how your friends put up with you two, but I think they all deserve awards. I mean, Chelsea and I were pretty disgustingly sweet when we first met, but we didn't even compare.” 

Phil laughed. “I don't know Chelsea, but I do know you, and I bet you're just as “disgustingly sweet” today as when you first met.” 

“Okay, you might have a point,” Isabelle allowed. “But mine still stands.” 

~ 

It was late evening when they left the shop. Isabelle hugged both of them and promised that she would stay in touch, and Dan and Phil walked away. The sun had set, and it was just beginning to get cold. Dan shivered, reaching for Phil's hand. Phil glanced at him– was this okay, someone might see– and Dan smiled, just a little. He knew someone could see, and he didn't really care. They walked home together. 

And when they were back in the flat, Phil wrapped him in his arms, and Dan laid his head on Phil's shoulder. 

“It's good to be home,” Phil murmured, and Dan wholeheartedly agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this has been amazing! I am so grateful for the feedback and support for my little fic, and it has been a really great experience. I will definitely be doing more fics in the future, maybe not really soon, but I promise I will write some more for you lovelies! Thank you so much again for reading this and for being here.


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